week three: adjusting to the new norm
15 days into isolation and social distancing. This nightmare has become our new norm and unfortunately it has been extended until the end of April. Life doesn’t appear to be getting back to normal any time soon. Big sigh! I had hoped things would get easier but unfortunately, we are still struggling, trying to find our feet and settle into a schedule.
Third week, third schedule. Maybe this one will stick? My emotions have settled down and I have accepted this new reality, my lack of schedule and personal time. My daughter is still struggling. Yesterday she told me that she had a lot of emotions inside of her and she didn’t know why they were there and how to release them. I held her as she cried, acknowledging her feelings and letting her know it was okay to cry. She misses her friends and doesn’t understand why I can’t spend my days playing with her. As long as I give her my undivided attention all day, every day, then she is happy. But when I try to work, she gets frustrated and angry with me. I try to explain to her that I am not her new playmate and that I have work to do. But it falls on deaf ears. Day after day we argue about the same things. I am upset that she isn’t applying herself to her school work. She is upset that I am not paying her enough attention. By the end of the week, I am tired of arguing and give in to her demands. Together we ski, hike and practice yoga. We make fun cooking and yoga videos for A Rainbow A Day and do endless art together. She smiles and my heart melts. Work has to wait until the evening or the weekend. I wonder how long this will continue. Is it odd that I am more anxious and stressed about finding time to work than I am about getting the virus?
I have loosened my grip on screens and allowed Jade to do things she wouldn’t normally do. Interactive art classes on You Tube kept her entertained for hours on Friday while today we immersed ourselves in the world of art and culture and watched the musical Peter Pan (which she loved!). I hold myself (and Jade) to high expectations and I am realizing that perhaps I need to rethink these expectations and why I even have them. If we fill our days with reading, audiobooks, art, skiing and baking and we end each day with a smile, then isn’t that enough? This process is really making me question what we teach our kids at school, questioning what is important and looking at everything in a different light.
And maybe that’s the lesson in all of this; this is an opportunity for us to really re-evaluate aspects of life that we took for granted before all of this and to think about how/if we want to do things differently. What are we learning from this experience? How can we incorporate the lessons we are learning as we go forward?
More than ever, I have realized that my daughter doesn’t do well with change and that she relies on a schedule to keep her emotionally balanced. She is an extrovert and thrives on social interaction. Art and reading keep her balanced and calm. Math is hard for her and can throw her off balance. The more time we spend outside the better. She craves and needs social interaction. We are managing as best we can with virtual play dates but it isn’t the same. I don’t think I appreciated how much we gain from simply being in each other’s company and the benefit of hugging a friend.
I would like each day to go perfectly but now I know better. I am trying to be flexible and honor my daughter’s needs while also honoring my own needs (both professionally and emotionally). There is no easy answer. I have been honest with Jade about what I need and I have asked her to do the same with me. I wish it could all be about Jade but it can’t. As a working mother, I have needs that can’t be ignored (conference calls, contracts to write, emails to answer). I am hopeful this week will get better. It’s hard not to feel like a failure at the end of the day. It’s hard not to feel deflated. Take a deep breath and breathe. I know that I am not alone and that if you are still reading this, then you probably feel a little bit of what I am feeling.
It’s late - 10pm. I should be in bed but I stay up late craving time just for myself. Time to unwind. Time for me to get my cultural fix. Time for me to watch a Broadway show and pretend that I am in New York City, all dressed up, taking in the sights and smells of a theatre. Ah. When this is all over (and I have the money again!), I hope to travel and show my daughter the beauties of Italy, take the trip to Hawaii that we had to cancel and never take hopping on a plane to England to see my family for granted.
We will emerge from this all affected by what we have experienced. It’s unavoidable. But hopefully we can learn from it. As you struggle through each day, take a moment to be grateful for one small thing. See the good in each day. Maybe lower your expectations (I know I have to) and set yourself realistic goals for your day. Be flexible and change the plan as necessary to adjust for all the new variables (this is especially hard if like me you are a planner!). This is especially written for those of you who are working from home (like me) and also helping your child with distance learning as well as being their new playmate. I write this to let you know you are not alone. And that the situation is challenging. And all of your feelings are acceptable. Whatever you are feeling is okay. It’s real and it’s raw. Hug your family. Be kind to yourself.
